Loss and Celebration after a Miscarriage

**Trigger warning** this is a story about my first miscarriage.

I laid on the bench seat of my husbands Dodge truck as he ran important work errands before my OB appointment. This wasn’t a planned appointment, so for him life had to go on. Tears ran down my face and blood ran down my legs, but life carried on around me.

The day before, I was leaving an appointment when suddenly I felt this warm wet feeling between my legs, I beelined it to the restroom and was shocked to see blood. I called my husband in a panic and he left work to meet me at home. We went straight to the emergency room where we sat in a cold ER waiting room over an hour. I spent that time praying, begging, and pleading with God to let our baby be okay. Finally I was called back and an ultrasound technician joined us. We stared at the black and white screen as he searched for a heartbeat. After a few minutes he excused himself and in that moment I knew, I uttered ‘the baby died’. I had no more to give to the situation, I just felt angry. I would have done anything for this baby to be beating inside of me. An ER Dr. walked in and confirmed “there is no heartbeat, you are having a spontaneous abortion”.

The next morning felt like a nightmare. I got in the fetal position of my husbands truck and held out hope. When we finally made it to my OB’s office, I watched the women with their beautiful bumps walk through the door for their scheduled appointments. It sucked the life out of me.

I spent over 45 minutes sitting in a completely filled waiting room. I had to make 4 separate bathroom trips because the blood was now so heavy it would start leaking through to my pants. 

Once in a room I finally saw my Dr. and I felt betrayed by my body and my OB assured me it was spontaneous and that I could try again in six weeks, but I didn’t want to try again. Days later I was running a fever and felt like I was coming down with the flu. My Doctor prescribed mifepristone because the miscarriage wasn’t moving along like it should and it was becoming toxic in my body. At 13 weeks pregnant and on the cusp of announcing our second child, God had other plans.

I immediately went numb, we had just seen our little baby and a flickering heartbeat 5 days prior. I was so mad at the world and I just couldn’t shake what was happening. November 26, 2009 I had a miscarriage. I tried to move past that day and spent my time coming to terms with the loss. 

Little did I know then that November 26th would hold so much more for us.

The very next year I went into labor a little over 4 weeks early. Truth be told I was so caught up in tip toeing through this pregnancy that I had gotten lost in the days and it wasn’t until a nurse was writing the full date on the white board that I turned to my husband and in shock yelled out “it’s been 1 year”.

It was November 26, 2010. Somehow we went full circle with loss and life. November 26th was a day we would celebrate. This beautiful little boy was born. 

Our Brody Bear brings pure joy to our family. He has the most blissful contagious laugh, a beautiful sweet face, huge heart, the best cuddles, and an immense love for his brothers. I adore you Brody Bear, you are proof that there is beauty in the middle of a storm.